why do I care; what do I really care about?

I managed to get out of my house today; I was resolute to do something even if by myself and not let my Saturday be a total waste. I went down to the ICA to check out the BlackSKYwhite: Astronomy for Insects performance piece. However upon arrival I was sorely disappointed to find out that it was sold out.

I decided to go to Marks and Spencer buy two pizzas go home and watch a film. On the way to the ICA which is a short walk from charing cross station — you can figure out the walking distance, since google still hasn't added that into their maps application yet! :P — and back home I noticed as you do in a heavily populated city like London, the many poor, homeless, destitute people, walking or laying in some grotto or cavernous sanctuary from the bitter and unforgiving cold night air and annoying London drizzle.

Many ask for spare change, not been in the best of moods I simply told them I had none. I still prefer to acknowledge someone's existence rather than simply ignore them, which though seemingly more cruel, I've been thanked by homeless people for at least "having the decency to speak to [them]".

I donate to three charities — I have a sponsor child, I donate to amnesty international and z-sustainers — probably for no other reason that to satisfy my conscience. So I can — in some sick perverted way — make out like I'm doing something worth while in this world, making a difference, putting my money where my mouth is; however, the reality of it is a lot more meaningless than all that.

So I think to myself, what is it exactly that I care about if I donate to charities yet won't give to real live starving people in front of my face? What is it that I really care about if I donate to political writers, yet I can't get off my ass and organise a protest or get arrested for defending my right to take a photo in a public place as a free and respectable citizen of the world, which belongs to no one person and is everyone’s to call home?

Am I a hypocrite? I tell most people I am. I think we all are. However, I believe there is more. Is it empathy? Definitely, but it's not the only ingredient. Or is it to prove my own humanity to myself? The humanity that was force fed to me by the religion in my upbringing, the same humanity we’re told to defend at all costs by government? Or the same humanity that Hollywood sells us while prices in theatres rise to more than the average family can afford and more people are been targeted for "pirating" films that glorify breaking the law.